Twelve to Twelve-thirty

She was rambling about Jesus again. I used to think this strange until people started blowing themselves up for Allah. I guess it made me thankful that she would only ramble about the guy—Jesus, or whatever the respectable way to refer to him is. So, there she was rambling about Jesus again.

Every thirty seconds or so I would say, “Yeah, yeah,” or “Really,” or “Hmmm,” or “I guess,” or some other gesture to acknowledge that I was acknowledging her attempt to have a conversation with me. And then I actually strung a series of noises together that started resembling a conversation, “Wait. You telling me Jesus is a zombie?”

“I’m not saying he’s a Romero zombie. In fact, Hollywood’s portrayal of zombies is just another Jew conspiracy to downplay the truth of Christianity. I’m saying that Christ is the living dead though. Dead to the world and it’s ways. And we must be the living dead to. Living in Christ and Dead to the world,” she said. She was lighting up another cigarette.

“If God loved me then why do we always end up on our lunch breaks together?”

“Because Jesus is using me to bring you to the fold.”

That was a rhetorical question, but I figure she wasn’t familiar with the term. “You really think the Jews are behind zombie movies?”

She said, “They’re behind all the movies.”

“Well, yeah. But I didn’t mean it that way. I always figured Jesus to be a vampire. I mean he’s all into drinking blood and he can fly. And he can talk, I’ve never heard of zombie that can talk.”

“His followers drink his blood and eat his flesh…”

“Oh yeah, the flesh eating thing is kind of zombie-like. Maybe he’s a vampire-zombie?”

“No, no. The zombie thing was just a…a simile.”

I put down the tuna sandwich I was eating, “No, it wasn’t a simile. You said ‘Jesus is the living dead.’ That is a metaphor. If you wanted to use a simile you would have used like or as.”

She ground her finished cigarette in the ashtray, “Oh, so you’re an English professor now?”

“I majored in English.”

“Look, Jesus is Jesus. He isn’t a vampire or zombie or werewolf or Frankenstein.” And then she stood up, picking up her trash, “And my lunch break is over.” She threw her trash in the garbage bin and walked out of the break room.

I didn’t have anything against her. Deborah was her name. I guess I was just jealous. It wasn’t fair that Jesus was able to hook a fine piece of ass like that.

What I Learned from New Comics This Week: 01/17/07 - Even Robots...

From Zombies vs. Robots #2:

The future: Every human has become a zombie except one small baby. Robots seek to clone the baby to bring humans back. Robots fail. Robots become robot zombies (or is it zombie robots?). Full on zombie versus robot zombie action. The only solution is to reboot Earth's ecological system.

Enter...


A robot with a skull painted on it. That's right folks, even robots recognize that Frank Castle is pretty much the coolest thing ever. (That has to be why they're trying to clone a human; to create a race of Castles. Imagine a future full of completely awesome violence and explosions.) And of course a robot inspired by the Punisher reboots Earth the only way the Punisher could...by detonating every existing nuclear missle.

I can just imagine that this robot was inspired to seek out a more violent justice in society after helplessy watching superior technology like Betamax and Apple Computers continuously shunned by the idiot mass consumers.

And isn't this possible future robot-Punisher way cooler than this...



About the only thing that rivals the coolness of a Punisher-inspired robot, is the promised follow-up to this series: Amazons vs. Zombies vs. Robots.

What I Learned from New Comics This Week: 01/10/07 - Meta...

Now I'm not a big fan of Lobo. Or, more accurately, I never got into the Lobo craze in the nineties. I mean, he’s an alien. And he kills stuff. Lots of stuff. But I guess in the nineties comics spewed out a character to fit just about every demographic, and Lobo was their for the heavy metal kids. (At least every Lobo fan I knew was also a dirty hesher.) So while I never read a Lobo comic, you can see I never really had a good reason to.

Lo and behold, Lobo does have something to teach me. From the pages of 52 – Week Thirty-six:

”I killed…things that don’t even exist.”

Yeah, I’ve heard of things like metaphysics, metalogic, and metaphors but Lobo just introduce perhaps the coolest meta- of them all: meta-murder.

Awesome.

Something else I would like to learn more about, courtesy of GØDLAND #15:



If you can find me that hymn book, I’d be much obliged.

Which Panel Is Cooler?

A. Garth Ennis, Midnighter #3:

That is a time cop. He roams around in a hovering time machine making sure people don't screw up the time and space continuity. All though, he has just failed from preventing Hitler from being kicked in the balls--twice. But please notice: all cops, even those who police time, eat donuts.

or

B. Warren Ellis, NewUniversal #2:

Pretty much it is just a guy shooting a baby while it sleeps. Blame the Democrats, with their love of late-term abortions. And Clinton. I'm sure he has his hand in that cookie jar, grasping tight to infanticide-flavored cookies.

Reconsidered: Unions

I've never been a fan of unions. Sure, they were once necessary. But now they're just a bloated dinosaur that has outlived its usefullness like libraries or DVD commentary tracks. Now they're just a boiling pot of corruption and greed where the few dupe the many and live off their desperation and naivete.

That was until I read part four of the four part Union Jack miniseries.


Yeah, the unions back up the working class hero in taking out the bad guy. So I guess they aren't so lazy. Unions are willing to set aside their self-interest and really help out their country. True patriots.

Of course, they probably demanded hazard pay for the whole incident.

Sing it with me...

There is power in a factory, power in the land
Power in the hand of the worker to take out giant terrorist adamantium-covered robot

Clearing Up A Couple Of Things: Movies

As the new year begins, let's me clear up three simple facts, in this case in regards to movies, about me that you may want to consider. These facts will let you know where I'm coming from and if we still want to be friends. If you are disgusted by any of these fact, well, you pretty much suck.

1. I will watch Weekend At Bernie's everytime it is on television. This is not necessarily an endorsement of the movie.
   
   
2. While viewing Edward Scissorhands at the age of twelve, I cried. Maybe I identified with being a misunderstood outsider; being totally rejected by a girl I adored. Or maybe it was the fact that I too was a confectionary device brought to life, only to have my creator die before he could replace my scissor hands with real ones. Hence, I am typing this with my penis.
   
   
3. Karate Kid is pretty much the greatest movie of all time. I have watched this movie dubbed in languages I don't even speak. If this movie is not completely awesome, how do you explain the fact that 97% of children took karate lessons after seeing this movie? But the best thing about this movie is that there is no doubt this movie was a subversive flick. It premeired in 1984! No doubt the writers wear fearing an Orwellian nightmare. What better way to fight Big Brother than to raise a generation of Karate Kids to crane-kick those fascist dictators right in the nose? Answer: There isn't one.